The job’s ok (you can read a bit about it here), everyone at home seems to be coping with it, so why do I still feel so flat about the whole thing? The thing I miss the most is hanging out with the kids in the afternoons/evenings after school. Everything else can be outsourced or put off or delegated – cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking etc. Quality time with the kids can’t be.
I alternate between worrying pointlessly that there is somehow something wrong with me and reminding myself that I am breaking a habit of 18 years in working full time and therefore need to give myself time to settle into these new habits. Should I be feeling that the professional challenge of work makes the sacrifice of family time worthwhile?
Bookworm has to have hip surgery next month – to sort out a cartilage tear from playing football and I can’t be around to look after her, ferry her around for the 6 weeks on crutches and get her to her rehab appointments with doctors and physios. This means I’m handing all of that over to her father and stepmother and THAT hurts. THAT feels like I’m somehow letting her down – which is madness I know, but there it is. A single, working mother just can’t do everything, no matter how strong the desire is to do so.